


Name It and Call it Yours

by pariahsdream



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bioware always makes it worse, Gen, Hawke can't joke all the time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 19:57:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2824247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pariahsdream/pseuds/pariahsdream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s Ferelden, he’s Hawke, he’s Basalit-an, he’s Champion. It's the way it is because they need that more than they need him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Name It and Call it Yours

Sometimes Hawke says his first name aloud so he doesn’t forget it. 

He’s alone in his room and whispers his name into the dark. It’s the part of him people forget.

He doesn’t really remember when he started to just be ‘Hawke’. It was probably after his father died. He was the eldest, had to take on the name before he’d grown into his own fully. It was just another responsibility piled on top of watching out for his siblings and making sure his mother didn’t breakdown. That was probably also when he learned to smile when he didn’t feel like it (acting ridiculous can get a lot more accomplished than one would think).

No- it was before then. Well before if he’s honest with himself (he never is because... well, he’s not with anyone else so why ruin a good thing?). There was once that stood out the most, one he can’t shake. 

It wasn’t easy making friends when they roamed Ferelden like Dalish but Maker knew how he tried. Every village, every town, he honed in on the lonely, the bullied, the wronged. Carver and Bethany trailed after him, complaining and scolding in turn but he knew they liked it too. They all liked to see frowns turn to smiles with a little effort expended for someone’s behalf. As the years wore on, it was less about finding a missing pet and more about finding a missing person (and tears were almost more likely than smiles anymore). 

(People never went missing for Hawke. They left right in front of his eyes.)

And then there was Liam. 

Liam hadn’t needed him to find anyone else, _Hawke_ was what he wanted to discover. He was as beautiful as any fifteen year old had ever been (his memories were perhaps a tad too rose-tinted). He’d never felt such intense feelings for anyone and someone called him by his name- not Hawke but _his_ name. (Maybe he’s always been an easy mark.) 

It went as these things often do- too fast, too reckless and too much... on one side. Boys in Ferelden sometimes play with their mates but it’s not the sort of thing that lasted into adulthood. Oh, no, one must put away childish pursuits. Hawke knew this. The towns they lived in were all like this, since he first noticed boys like he noticed girls, he knew things were different. Some towns were kinder than villages, some cities didn’t care at all (they never stayed in cities more than a few days, too likely to run into Templars). But none of it came to mind with Liam- he was just so happy to have something of his own. 

By and by, Liam found a pretty thing that was devoted to the Chantry and well, Hawke was a little strange and his family wasn’t _from_ their village so really, it was fun, they had some larks but, what did he expect?

(It was one of very few times in his life that he really understood what it might be like to be tempted by a demon. He’d be tempted by any power that could take away his heartbreak.)

He was a boy with a broken heart that needed comfort then. But when he ran home, Carver was howling over a broken arm and Bethany was sobbing that she hadn’t meant to hurt him and their father was declaring they would have to move if anyone saw Bethany use her magic. No one noticed the tears on his face. No one had time for them, not when so many other things needed attention- his mother looking so harried and stressed, his father with tight lines around his mouth and the twins equally gray-skinned. What else could he do?

After that, it just got to be habit- hide away his feelings and let out the pressure with sarcasm and (occasionally ill-timed) snark. He got over Liam, got over the next dozen smaller heartbreaks. Each one brushed aside and tucked out of the way. What else could he do?

What else could he do when Bethany was slaughtered? There were still others to get to safety, to get out of Ferelden because darkspawn aren’t particular about mourning.

What else could he do when Carver could barely look at him after the Deep Roads? Guilt at ignoring his mother’s pleas wouldn’t help save Carver. He had to make a choice and Carver probably wouldn’t have forgiven him no matter what he chose (it still torments him as he reads the scant letters he receives). (He’ll never be sure when he stops getting them all together if Carver had died a Warden’s death or if he stopped wanting to talk to the man that condemned him to a slow death.)

What else could he do when Fenris couldn’t stand his touch? (That night still burns him, years after, still wakes him gasping, knowing he’d touched something beautiful, truly, and knowing that all it did was cause pain. Maybe Fenris has a point about mages. Even him.)

What else could he do when Isabela left the whole city to burn? His stupidity he can’t shake over that- a pirate is a pirate after all. Not everyone can be saved someone told him. Not everyone wants to be- it sounds like something _she’d_ have said if he’d just paid attention (and ignored his pride). 

What else could he do when he was holding the mutilated body of his mother and couldn’t howl and scream the world down around his ears like he felt inside? There were still problems that demanded his attention- one tends not to ignore Qunari even on one’s worst days. And that resulted in yet another name for him- Champion. 

Another in a line farther and farther away from the core of himself.

He’s Ferelden, he’s Hawke, he’s Basalit-an, he’s Champion. 

Maybe it’s time he forgets his own name too.

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm an extremely slow gamer and just now got into DA II. I now have unending Hawke feels (after everyone has left the playing feel). Be gentle with me. 
> 
> [Originally posted here](http://pariahsdream.tumblr.com/post/105821343169/self-indulgent-hawke-angst).


End file.
